‘Twas the end of December, and out in my yard
My branches were barren. The ground had gone hard.
That night I was greeted with chills, wind, and frost
And the knowledge that yet another season was lost.
My backbone was aching, my heart was all heavy
I creaked and I wobbled like a ‘94 Chevy
Winter had gone and messed with my head
“Screw this” I said. “I’m going to bed.”
The north wind was roaring, my hound dog was snoring
As I drifted off, warm, by my wife so adoring
So grumpy was I to live so far north
I had forgotten today was the twenty-fourth.
At some point I woke up, at first unsure why
And then I heard tapping and banging on high
“Great,” was my first thought, “I’d best grab a broom.
It sounds like our attic may have a raccoon.”
I put on my bathrobe (no kerchief, no cap)
And headed to google “homemade raccoon trap”
I descended the stairs, and what did I see?
A jolly old elf, dressed in red, four foot three.
He smiled at me as he stood from his crouch
And gestured to join him up on the couch.
“Dave,” he said, with a voice filled with magic,
“You’re bringing me down. Winter’s not all that tragic!”
“Sure, where once shades of green and bright flowers did play
There’s just 75 different shades of gray, every day.
But your whining, my gosh, there’s not enough drinks
To make me prefer you to damn Jar Jar Binks.”
I was shaken, for sure, and knew not what to say
When suddenly he grabbed me and we were up in his sleigh
For what felt like hours we flew through the night
We zipped over carolers, under holiday lights.
He showed me the things that make winters worthwhile
All the birds, soft white snow, the bright eyes of a child
We saw all the good that folks do in this season
He tried really hard, and for all the right reasons
That elf busted his butt to get through to me
We even found time to watch holiday movies
Charlie Brown, Home Alone, for hour after hour
We even watched Hans Gruber fall from the tower
I was getting real tired, my eyes at half mast
When suddenly we were home, like no time had passed.
“Now Dave,” Santa said, fixing me with his gaze,
“Are you finished with your grinchy grumptastic ways?”
What could I say? You simply can’t lie to Saint Nick
I spoke from the heart. I spit it out quick.
“You showed me some beautiful wonderous things,
But truly, Santa, I’ll be happier in spring.”
His head he did shake, his eyes he did roll
And he handed me just a big bag of charcoal
“We know it’s not sickness, disease, or disorder
Your attitude sucks. Fix it Dave. That’s an order.”
As I watched him depart, full of cheer and disdain
What I had to do next became suddenly plain
Could I love winter? Cold temps and deep snow?
Santa sure thought so, and wouldn’t he know?
I resolved then and there to give winter a chance
To stop sulking and go put on my big boy pants
There are gardens to plan, there are workshops to give
Drawings to to color with Ol’ Roy G Biv
With the love of my wife, two cats, and the dog
Our friends and our family, and jet fuel egg nog
There’s no reason at all that I shouldn’t say
Love to you all, have a great holiday!
I’m impressed at your wit and in love with your humor.
that’s so sweet, thank you!